10 Weeks Ago...(The Burial)

...what else is there to say?

10 weeks ago we buried our daughter...

...Tabitha Grace...

...named for God's gracious promise of the resurrection through Christ Jesus, of His promise of life everlasting for both our spirits and our bodies...



...and in our hearts, we echoed the words of the Apostles' Creed as the minister recited them aloud--

"...I believe...the resurrection of the body; and the life everlasting. Amen."

10 Weeks Ago...(The Funeral)

<sup>Lamentations 3: 19-33

19</sup> I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.

²⁰ I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.

²¹ Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

²² Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

²³ They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

²⁴ I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."

²⁵ The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;

²⁶ it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.

²⁷ It is good for a man to bear the yoke
while he is young.

²⁸ Let him sit alone in silence,
for the LORD has laid it on him.

²⁹ Let him bury his face in the dust—
there may yet be hope.

³⁰ Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him,
and let him be filled with disgrace.

³¹ For men are not cast off
by the Lord forever.

³² Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
so great is his unfailing love.

³³ For he does not willingly bring affliction
or grief to the children of men.

10 Weeks Ago (The Planning)...

...we were planning Tabitha's funeral. I remember being told that we could do things however we wished; there is no right or wrong way, the funeral could be however we wanted. And I remember wishing that someone would just tell us--this is how it should be done. I remember thinking, We aren't the only people in the world to bury a baby--why can't someone tell us how other people have done this!

Of course I was looking for more than just information of how a baby's funeral should go; I wanted to know how parents are supposed to bury their child and survive it. I wanted to know how to make the connection between what my mind knows and what my heart feels. I wanted to know not only how to say that Tabitha is in Jesus' arms but also how to truly believe and be comforted by that knowledge.

I remember spending the afternoon with my parents, choosing the psalms to sing in the service.

I remember the minister coming over to talk about the Tabitha, about the text we had chosen, about the service. I remember worrying about whether or not to make him coffee, and then being angry at myself for trying to act like this was a normal visit. I remember explaining why we chose the text from Lamentations. But most of all, I remember that tears came to his eyes as he looked at her picture, and he was silent for a long moment and then said, "Yes, it is very good for Tabitha now, but so very hard for you."

10 Weeks Ago (The Homecoming)

...I awoke with my baby in my arms. I slid my fingertips across her soft face. I curled her long fingers around mine. I clothed her and wrapped her. I rested my lips against her satiny hair. I cradled her one last time...and let the nurse take her away.


We left the hospital and, of all things, went grocery shopping. We left our daughter at the hospital and went to buy things like orange juice and bread. Unbelievable. Everyone else was acting like it was an ordinary day, and we had just left our baby behind, and we too were acting like it was an ordinary day.

I still don't know how we did that. Of course, we had to--what option is there really. But I still wish that I could have taken her home with me for just one day. I don't mean this in a morbid or gross way, but I wish I could have taken her to show everyone--to show the people that I saw all the time at the library or at the store or in my neighbourhood...See? This is our daughter; this is who we are missing. She's a person, and she's real, and she should be here with us but she's not...

Then we went home and took down the crib and put away the baby clothes. Because we didn't know she was a girl, I only had one piece of clothing that I had bought for her specifically. From Universal Studios, we had bought "Thing 1" and "Thing 2" shirts for G and the baby. Putting that shirt away was the second hardest part of that day...

...but picking G up from my sister's was the best part of that day. I'll never forget the way he smiled when we walked through the door. Or the way he snuggled next to me on the couch as if he wasn't going to let me get up and walk away. Or the way his soft hair felt as he rested his head under my chin. Or the way he responded indignantly when we brought him to his room to go to bed--Hey! Where's my crib?

...and we had to explain that Tabitha was home with Jesus, not with us, so we had to put "his" crib away.

I wonder how a 2 1/2 year old makes sense of such news; I wonder what he really understands--probably more than the rest of us. I pray for such child-like faith and acceptance...




(Despite the total change in tone and focus, I have to end by sharing what G often tells me--"Tabitha is with Jesus and Kevin" (Jesus in heaven). I was worried that he thought his Uncle Kevin had taken Tabitha away or something like that, so I would try really hard to correct him and make him say it properly. Finally he just looked at me and said in a very annoyed tone, "I CAN'T say that word, Mommy." Funny boy!)

10 Weeks Ago (The Birth Day)

...the body of Tabitha Grace was born into this world, her spirit having already been taken to heaven.



...I remember waiting for the phone call to go to the hospital. I remember wishing someone else would make all the necessary decisions for us or just tell us what to do. I remember the quiet acknowledgment when we told the nurse our name. I remember looking at all the marks on the ceiling from champagne corks and thinking that the imprints looked like little baby hand prints. I remember hearing a baby cry from another delivery room.

I remember wanting the day to be over and wanting the day to never end.

I remember hearing the words, "It's a girl." I remember the weight of her body in my arms, the warmth of her arm as it fell across mine. I remember wanting to see her eyes. I remember wanting to make sure that everybody held her and admired her. I remember being proud of her and loving her. I remember not wanting to let her go. I remember falling asleep with her in my arms.

I remember that, by God's grace, there is nothing that I regret about the day of her birth, nothing that I wish we did differently. Her birthday truly was a complete blessing.

10 Weeks Ago...(The News)

...we were waiting...

...waiting to hear when we would be able to go to the hospital to deliver this beautiful child:


...it was stormy and snowy and we had spent the evening alone. I remember sitting on the couch rubbing my belly, as if the sheer force of my will could bring this baby back to life. I remember being angry that we didn't know if we were having a boy or a girl so that I couldn't really begin to say goodbye, because I didn't even know who I was missing. I remember replaying the morning's appointment over and over in my head, seeing us in the hospital room as if I was an external observer, hearing the doctor say, "The news isn't good," watching myself as I curled protectively around my belly and buried my face in M's shirt.

...10 weeks...
...when will I stop keeping count?

And just to show off the full cuteness of G--

Apparently the headlamp is an essential accessory to sidewalk chalk and Hot Wheels!

Joy...

...sometimes creeps in around the edges. I don't often catch it in full bloom--not now, not yet--but I know it's there, trying to slip into the frame of a photograph...


...and for now, the little glimpses are usually enough.

Grace

According to the Webster's On-line Dictionary, some definitions of Grace:

1) The state of sanctification by God;
...
7) The free and unmerited favor or beneficence of God.

In this blogging world, I have come across so many heavenly little girls that bear this name "Grace"--and is it any wonder! What a beautiful testimony we can give of God's faithfulness even in the passing of our daughters. But I miss her so much...

Tabitha Grace

February 7, 2008